Improving Your Self Esteem

Understanding Self Esteem

Self Esteem has two sides to it:

- How you value yourself &
- How happy you are with the way you are

If you experience low self esteem you probably have a self image which involves you:

(1) Not valuing yourself and your own worth very highly and/or
(2) Paying more attention and attaching more significance to the aspects of yourself with which you are unhappy than to those aspects which you feel are fine.

If this applies to you, then it may lead you to act in certain ways that cause problems for you and sometimes for others, for example:

- Not paying sufficient attention to your own needs and wants
- Finding it difficult to communicate effectively in relationships
- Saying 'Yes' to requests from others which you do not really want to meet or do not have time to meet
- Feeling bad about yourself and guilty if you do not achieve something you promised or if you do not act in a way which you feel you should or ought to do.

Where does Low Self Esteem come from?

Self Esteem is part of our self image. Our self image develops during our childhood & is the combination of our own natural personality features together with the messages and influences we receive from those around us about how we should act and feel about ourselves.

People who experience sustained low self esteem have usually experienced one or more of the following factors in their childhood:

- Parents (or other primary caregivers) who have unrealistic, high expectations of what their children should and can achieve
- Parents who, whether for good or not so good reasons, apply excessive criticism, negative comparisons or labels to their children (or to one child)
- Parents who find it difficult to give appropriate warmth, love and acceptance to their children, or who abuse their children in one or more ways (emotional, psychological, sexual, physical, or through neglect)
- Parents who are to preoccupied with their own issues and concerns to be able to pay sufficient attention to the needs of their children
- Parents who themselves have low self esteem and whose behaviour the child copies (usually unconsciously)
- Rejection or factors similar to the above experienced at the hands of other children or from adults who play a part in your development (e.g. teachers or relatives).

Changing Your Self Esteem

The good news is that you can change your self esteem.

Just as people's self esteem can decrease as adults, so the converse is true:
Your self esteem can improve. This may happen because of positive situations or events in which you have a role but it can also happen because of things that you choose to do. You can learn to change your thought patterns and ways of acting through the application of particular techniques, some of which are described below.

In overall terms, if you suffer from low self esteem you may find it helpful to try

- Substituting positive statements about yourself in place of negative ones, where you can reasonably do so

- Assessing and questioning the validity of negative statements you make about yourself or about situations in a reasonable and measured way

- Adopting a positive and constructive approach towards other people without necessarily feeling that you have to believe or accept everything they say.

The following are two specific suggestions for how you can begin to do this.

(1) Modify Negative Things You Say about Your Own Faults or Weaknesses

Make a list of 2-3 specific situations that have occurred recently or might typically occur, which might lead you to make a negative judgement about yourself. For each situation, list the likely negative judgement and then alongside list some alternative statements you could say to yourself trying to focus on being accurate and realistic. The realistic alternatives might for example be:

- Comments which moderate the extremity of the negative statement or
- An expression of intent to try to change what you feel is negative in a reasonable way

An example of a potential list is given below:

Negative Judgement about Yourself

'I am stupid'

Realistic Alternative Statements

'With hindsight, I can see that I could have acted differently. I will try to do so next time.'
'Sometimes I act in a stupid way, but in other situations I do show intelligence.'
'I made a mistake which I regret. What can I learn from this situation?'

Negative Judgement about Yourself

'I am always letting people down'

Realistic Alternative Statements

'On this occasion I didn't do what I said I would, but in fact sometimes I do. I will think of actions to try to help me not leap into overcommitting myself.'
'I did part of what I said, although I didn't complete the whole task.'
'I will decide whether to try again or to leave this and move onto something I can do better.'

(2) List Some Positive Things About Yourself

Increasing the number of positive statements you say to yourself (your "self talk") will help to reinforce your recognition of the good aspects of yourself and thereby improve your self esteem. You don't need to say anything that is not accurate (Don't say you are the world's greatest ballet dancer or footballer if you are not!). Just remind your self of specific, simple, good qualities or abilities that you have.

Keep a list of the qualities. Your list might start off with just 2 or 3 things, say as follows:

- I have a mischievous smile
- I cook a good vegetable biriani
- I provide a stable background for my children to the best of my ability

- Recite your list to yourself 2-3 times a day, ideally at a regular time, e.g. when you get up and when you go to bed.
- Practise reciting the qualities and abilities on the list when you look in the mirror.
- You will probably find it artificial to do this at first, but it is important to keep it up. What you are doing is retraining your mind to think well of yourself.

Keep the list somewhere where you can refer to it regularly to remind yourself of what is on it, e.g. in your handbag or briefcase.

If you have difficulty in thinking of things to put on the list, then ask friends or relatives to let you know what they think are your abilities and qualities and add these to the list.

The above are just two suggestions for initial things you can do to help with building your self esteem. If you need further help or find it difficult to achieve consistency in implementing the suggestions then you may find the support of a specialist coach in this area invaluable in helping you to achieve sustained motivation and progress.

David Bonham-Carter | www.davidbonham-carter.com